I just can't.

I still harm my body when a person or situation defines me and when there's a break in my brain because of a contradiction (which also triggers psychosis). Every action one makes is seen within the context of the other, and I can't stand that kind of attribution anymore. I have lived my whole life understanding and loving my lack of solid identity, I had my times of struggling to define something in me to think in a certain way or just function at all, also went through the realization of not having to try anything but just live, and understood the discursive, historical, biological, psychological, spiritual and all kinds of boundaries that shape the self; I have worked my transparency to communicate all of it, and still there's people that will keep defining me, no matter how toxic they know that is for me.

I was diagnosed with BPD and schizoafffective disorder, then developed and got the diagnosis of schizoid personality disorder, and I just took it like I developed the latter out of fear, laziness, comfort or something that took me far from a better living, but now I realize I protected myself from an identity given by others, or given by the sole interaction with them. They're not mirrors, they're bouncy walls and the feedback is too noisy.

I understand their position, but it seems like I don't integrate that understanding to live better near them, and that makes me feel disappointed both of them and myself for not reaching that mode of mere conduit, which is for me the purest way of and only value on helping others. I'm failing to teach something through me, and that sole fact is defining me...

And my body is the only thing about my being that I can actually destroy... More than it giving me a sense of agency or control, I really think it is about "avoiding" the curse of definition via relations. Can't keep dialectics up when the position of others kill the possibility, so being forced into a position kills me slowly.

 

(I'm working hard on that behaviour and overall dominating my vulnerabilities, this is just a necessary verbal exploration).