El permanente "sabiendo" se asoma por entre las partículas del aire, en el umbral entre fuego y no fuego, entre las no rendijas del video feedback, en cada sinapsis, durante cada palabra no pronunciada, incluso en el vacío. El "sabiendo" no deja de "estar ocurriendo", es salvaje, primitivo, es el punto que quiere alcanzar la tecnología pero no lo sabe; es esa cosa cuyo fin parece el punto, parece el salto, el quiebre. Es la única cosa eterna, inmutable, y lo rebajamos a mero puente. Si lo sueltas mueres. El "sabiendo" es de hecho la vida, igual creadora como buscadora, aquí y allá. Si alguna vez lo percibes pasar, ¡no lo empaques, va a destruir el universo!
6.11.25
No se puede evitar
Hoy no quiero dormir... O sea: hoy no quiero dormir, deliberadamente, no es que no pueda ni nada. De hecho no podré lograr no dormir. La incongruencia me ahoga, la desesperación me invade, la injusticia me mata, la confusión me domina. Me metí a mí misma en un cajón, y ahora parece todo una caricatura... Todo es tan ridículo. ¿Me siento mal? Sí y no, en realidad me siento perdida y físicamente se siente mal. Me siento como en un punto donde los caminos convergen pero las flechas fueron desacomodadas por el viento, otra persona, el desgaste o quién sabe. Mi cerebro sabe que de esto se sale bien y con ganancia, pero el cuerpo no se acostumbra. No quiero dormir, quiero terminar la misión sin reiniciar. No es que me quiera hacer mal no durmiendo, es más que necesito tocar un punto en el que me absorba el agujero negro y me mande al otro lado. No es que quiera morir ahora, es que por estadística el despertar de nuevo no soluciona nada, esto es una medida desesperada. Mi cerebro también sabe que mirando directamente nada se logra, es como querer arreglar el reloj jalando directamente las manecillas. Igual es parte del proceso tener un punto ciego para la solución, todo se debe dar naturalmente. He perdido tiempo pensando que tenía que repetir las palabras que no se han aplicado, pero supongo que sólo atrasé el proceso. ¿Ha habido alguna vez en la que el lenguaje ha servido para algo que no sea su autodestrucción?
3.11.25
Feeling it
As time is felt faster and jumping to a mindset where we can stretch it is absolutely easy-peasy, and as cold and the end of the year get closer, some sense of already resolved doubt fills me, as if I just traveled in time. I feel so certain but not in a harmful or conformist way; it might not be certainty per se, but security, strength. The nature of words render them useless sometimes, and I try to find a set that feels good, not really give a point. It is the same feeling as living in the very present. I simply know, despite of being filled with confusion about everything around me. Separation, harm, lies, double meaning, identification... All that feels dirty and ugly, "unnatural" if that word even works. I feel like I've been so apart from that that when some of it hits my mind I feel disgusted, and then it renders my behaviour and perception erratic. And yet I feel some degree of tolerance.
Life gave me the gift of my symptoms. I developed disorders as a defense mechanism, and I got back a set of attributes including not feeling like a solid person in the sense of being tightly defined, and it's funny how I got to take advantage of that only until I structured and limited myself. To understand existence is to understand it's dual nature. And for another related example, as much as I feel like my mind or soul can expand it's boundaries infinitely, when life makes a turn I shrink incredibly tight and my mind closes incredibly impermeable, physicality is felt heavily, and I just am not of this world anymore. Yes, there's no escaping duality.
Still, the journey is a great learning experience, and that's all at least I care about. I want everyone to feel this mode of feeling in the mind, in their own way. I feel excited for what's to come to learn. I came to this world to learn, in every way.
"There's no more correct thing to do than to be fair and loyal to oneself" I would say if it wouldn't be unproductive for someone that's bound to think of him/herself as an isolated and solid individual. So, yes, words are so insufficient sometimes :-)
10.10.25
23.9.25
30.7.25
30.5.25
3.4.25
13.2.25
Best music of 2024
It took a while to do this list because I was too busy the whole year feeling new things, so I still got things to listen to these weeks. And 2024 was so weird to me, it got me to another dimension, the actual realness, after living in shadows all my life... Not that I was of an obscure kind (maybe yeah for some) but I was living mainly in my head.
*NOTE: The playback sometimes starts at another track other that the first one; that's how the label wants it. I actually recommend listening from track 1.
Enjoy!
(This list has no special order)
___________
Wil Bolton - Quiet Sunlight
Most of the time it's in the mind that we feel the new dimensions be opened, but this album makes it into my heart and navigates it's fibers. Specially today that my heart is tender, this doesn't just shreds it but gives it integrity thanks to the sweetness of its melodies. Now my heart feels like blooming.
Feeling Flying - Spirit Level
I drift in the vastness of everything. My center has been feeling like stretching itself open, I just feel so much going through. I found out I have to learn how to feel it all pass instead of managing it or resist it, or even take it.
IKSRE - abundance
"And yet I feel, I feel so much..."... 2024 taught me a lot of things. One of the most precious ones was that my "disadvantages" were actually blessings, ways of perceiving and navigating the world. I feel so much, and it's a unique blessing.
Private Mountain - Blue Mountain
I've worked everything I feel with music, and music liberates me from all of it. It's weird how I don't feel nostalgic anymore, I'm free... I'm genuinely free...
PJS - Flora
Music opens a passage in every one of our cells, cleans the body and soul.
ASC - Original Soundtrack
Music is a set of waves that moves our insides to heal them.
YDVST - Atelier Silencio
Rendered me silent, closed my throat, and I found out it's OK. I learned that the emptiness inside can be encompassed instead of just filled.
Dimitar Dodovski - Liminal
The atmosphere has been feeling fuller and lighter at the same time. It's denser, and yet easier to navigate.
Project Vainiolla - Undulate
There are no more attachments or needs, and that proved to be the best way to enjoy things: setting them free.
Austin Williamson - Woven
Fear is dissolving away while I let all feeling pass through me. The ghost/demon is weak, my senses get sharper. I breathe time.
Richard Francés - Afterwork I (Todo Cambia)
On an adventure I go, with open, clear and sharp mind and heart.
Rime Trails - Air Carvings
Love is power. A fire lighted my heart, made it lighter in every sense, and is the fuel that moves me. I'm sure I never felt this way. I'm sure I'm deep inside not afraid; after all, fire is infinite, it just needs a little care, and it is ready to get spontaneously reborn whenever.
LAST CEREMONY - All You Have Been Searching For, Lives Right Here Inside You.
Sweetness kicks in strongly, intensely. I can see! It's bright! A lovely atmosphere to ease into the next level.
Glo Phase - Blink
I let it all sink in, worked itself inside me, and then suddenly exploded in the form of energy. It actually changed my personality without killing it, something that was just unthinkable. I now have to learn to understand and manage the new me. All new patterns, textures, sounds, a new rhythm; sharpens the mind. Everything kinda makes sense now.
Vera Logdanidi - Far Away
There's always new learning coming up, there is always this need to breathe in to open oneself to the new thing and breathe out to liberate the tension from even the immediate past. Steady is the way, since life will make you rise anyway. Prudence, steadiness, balance. A smart way to live: deal with the present, feel the immediate reality.
Biodiverse, Anee Molly & Canblaster - BIODIVERSE
The actually important ghost of my life: curiosity, among other characteristics. This noble thing that makes me feel everything I want and find fruitful. And now I feel like I want to share it! Lay down, put on the music, take my hand, feel it all... Welcome.
Shelter - Checkmates In Dub
Arrived to the new year more complete than I was ever before. I have a new rhythm now that goes with novelty and the practicity of old ways. There's no other way anyway, if one lives just open to everything, without fear. I realized this year that everything made sense, my symptoms were blessings, like the lack of identification. It keeps me open and welcoming. Yes, a demon entered that way, but also is easy to kick away, I now realize.
Various Artists - ten years, fuck off
Fuck off, demon! Love and I won!
21.1.25
Video feedback and digital manipulation stills
Images expressed by video feedback/digital means of reproduction, revealing dynamic structures that texturize space and time for/by perception, resembling natural and human organization; configurations are rendered material as light bends on an artificial field of re-cognition.
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