Feeling it

As time is felt faster and jumping to a mindset where we can stretch it is absolutely easy-peasy, and as cold and the end of the year get closer, some sense of already resolved doubt fills me, as if I just traveled in time. I feel so certain but not in a harmful or conformist way; it might not be certainty per se, but security, strength. The nature of words render them useless sometimes, and I try to find a set that feels good, not really give a point. It is the same feeling as living in the very present. I simply know, despite of being filled with confusion about everything around me. Separation, harm, lies, double meaning, identification... All that feels dirty and ugly, "unnatural" if that word even works. I feel like I've been so apart from that that when some of it hits my mind I feel disgusted, and then it renders my behaviour and perception erratic. And yet I feel some degree of tolerance.

Life gave me the gift of my symptoms. I developed disorders as a defense mechanism, and I got back a set of attributes including not feeling like a solid person in the sense of being tightly defined, and it's funny how I got to take advantage of that only until I structured and limited myself. To understand existence is to understand it's dual nature. And for another related example, as much as I feel like my mind or soul can expand it's boundaries infinitely, when life makes a turn I shrink incredibly tight and my mind closes incredibly impermeable, physicality is felt heavily, and I just am not of this world anymore. Yes, there's no escaping duality.

Still, the journey is a great learning experience, and that's all at least I care about. I want everyone to feel this mode of feeling in the mind, in their own way. I feel excited for what's to come to learn. I came to this world to learn, in every way. 

 "There's no more correct thing to do than to be fair and loyal to oneself" I would say if it wouldn't be unproductive for someone that's bound to think of him/herself as an isolated and solid individual. So, yes, words are so insufficient sometimes :-)